For some people, receiving a gift can be just as stressful — if not more so — than giving one to others.
CNN —
Planning meals, traveling and shopping for gifts are widely understood holiday stress factors for a lot of people, but receiving presents can also stir up uncomfortable feelings — what’s known as “gift guilt.”
Some may gasp at this notion, but it’s a real phenomenon. You may think you should feel lucky and grateful when given a gift but instead suffer pangs of guilt.
“Telling yourself not to have a feeling doesn’t remove the feeling,” said Dr. Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist on the faculty at Georgetown University and host of the mental health podcast “Baggage Check.”
For many people, receiving gifts can be just as stressful — if not more so — than giving them, Bonior said.
Why people feel guilty
First, some don’t feel deserving of a gift. “We might feel guilty when somebody spends time or money on us,” Bonior said, “because deep down, in some situations, we might not think that we’re worthy of it, or like we’re not somehow measuring up to what we should be.”
These people may also struggle with receiving compliments or attention, she added. They feel uncomfortable that someone has gone out of their way to do something nice for them, and grapple with their sense of self-worth.
Others experience guilt because they don’t think they gave as good or as expensive a gift as they received, or they were caught off guard and have nothing to give in return.
“Human nature has this kind of value reciprocity,” said Dr. Laurie Santos, professor of psychology at Yale University and host of “The Happiness Lab” podcast. “We want to reciprocate in kind based on what we get, and gifts can activate a lot of feelings and, in some places, shame that we have about our standing.”
A Baylor University study published in the journal Social Science Research in 2013 explored how humans sometimes punish others for generosity because that kindness led to their own feelings of inadequacy.
“It may be that the generous giver made them look or feel bad,” said Dr. Kyle Irwin, a coresearcher for the study, to Science Daily at the time. “Or they may feel jealous or like they’re not doing enough.”
Showing gratitude to others for what they have given you during the holidays can be a gift in itself.
Gifts can also stir feelings of indebtedness, causing some to think they owe others for doing something nice. You may feel strings are attached, or there’s an expectancy of closeness or intimacy.
“If you grew up in a situation where you weren’t given much attention or affection,” Bonior said, “it feels really strange to suddenly be in a situation where your friends are gifting you these nice things, and it feels really odd. You may feel like you have to make up for this in some way.”
Whatever the reasons behind gift guilt, you can turn those feelings into something positive with these tips from experts.
Prepare yourself ahead of time
Be intentional as you go into the holidays. If you feel guilty about receiving gifts, ask yourself why ahead of time and try to reconcile these emotions. “A lot of these folks (feeling gift guilt) are actually very good at taking care of other people,” Bonior said. “They just don’t think that they deserve to be taken care of.”
A useful exercise is to think about the joy you feel when giving someone a gift — and know that others share that same feeling.
However, if you constantly think you’re unworthy, Bonior suggests getting insight into the reasons why. “Think back to your childhood, think back to the messages that you’re telling yourself, think back to the pattern that developed around your self-esteem,” she said. “For some folks, it’s going to be helpful to talk with a professional.”
Shift the focus
Try to step away from guilt and realize you can be a good gift recipient, Santos said. So much emphasis is placed on being a good gift giver and not enough on being a good recipient, she said, but making others feel good can be a gift in itself.
“One way to do this is to be really obvious in your gratitude, maybe even specific in your gratitude,” she said. “When you actually use the gift, check in with the person and tell them you’re using it and to be thankful, even years later.”
Santos said she continues to thank her father and stepmother for a Dutch oven they gave her a few years ago, for example, snapping a picture when she uses it and sending it to them as a token of appreciation.
“Maybe somebody spent a little bit extra on you or you didn’t give something in return, but the fact that you can show your gratitude is incredibly powerful,” she added. “It makes the gift giver feel like they’ve done something good.” Their gift to you becomes one you can give back.
Give yourself compassion
Many people are experiencing tough financial times now and can’t reciprocate the way they want to or have in the past.
“We’re not going to be the perfect gift givers every time,” Santos said, “and it’s OK to give ourselves some grace if (a present) doesn’t feel up to the level that we would have wished for given certain circumstances.”
You may not have the time either. The holidays can creep up on you, and you may feel overwhelmed. The key is to remember that people are giving gifts “out of the fact that they really care about you,” she said.
Get back to basics
Let go of the superficial aspects around gift giving and remember why you’re doing it. “Ultimately, gift giving is about honoring connection. It’s about giving joy. It’s about being able to nourish our relationships,” Bonior said. “The more it gets to be performing, the less meaning it has.”
Giving gifts is about building relationships and strengthening your connections with loved ones.
Focusing too much on reciprocal gift giving can be limiting, she added. “No relationship has to be always perfectly symmetrically balanced all the time,” Bonior said. “Understand that this holiday gift is just one little part of your friendship. It doesn’t have to represent your entire friendship.”
Don’t overthink it
The commercialism of the holidays can pressure us into placing more emphasis on material things or trying to buy the “perfect” gift. But they should be a time of kindness, compassion and gratitude, so make a conscious decision to focus on good things and enjoy them, the experts said.
“The key is to remember that while we can’t control what gifts we get, we can control how we react this holiday season,” Santos said. “We can take time to regulate any negative emotions over the holiday and to be intentional about what we really want to get out of gift giving and all our interactions — a sense of connection and joy.”
FAQs
How do you deal with gift guilt? ›
- Acknowledge the intent behind the gift. ...
- Appreciate it. ...
- Thank them, sincerely. ...
- Remind yourself that giving feels good for most everyone. ...
- Take Note and Listen Closely. ...
- Don't place too much pressure on yourself. ...
- Don't Overthink Gifts.
They feel uncomfortable that someone has gone out of their way to do something nice for them, and grapple with their sense of self-worth. Others experience guilt because they don't think they gave as good or as expensive a gift as they received, or they were caught off guard and have nothing to give in return.
How do narcissists respond to gifts? ›For the rest of your relationship, the narcissist will bring up the time that you said a gift was too expensive. They will especially be prone to bringing it up during arguments or when you are around their friends and family, just to embarrass you and put you "in your place."
How do you return a gift without hurting feelings? ›- Give it time to grow on you. Don't let first impressions sway you! ...
- Assess the situation. If the gift included a receipt, don't worry about returning or exchanging it, according to Credit.com. ...
- Choose your battles. ...
- Do what you want, but say thank you.
Over-giving is often a sign of codependency.
When we are codependent we take our sense of self from pleasing others. So we give too much in order to receive praise and attention that then gives us a feeling of esteem.
In the psychological literature, this phenomenon is known as “miscalibrated gift choice.” It has its roots in “giver-recipient discrepancy.” And it's the cause of untold cases of post-holiday dysphoria (or, if you will, disappointment).
What to do when someone doesn't thank you for a gift? ›Express your displeasure at not being thanked for the gift.
Did you not like the gift?” Often, saying this will prompt a person to respond with “Sorry” and “Thank you” or explain why they did not say thank you to you right away.
“Your generous gift was greatly appreciated and put to good use. I want to express my sincere thanks to all who were involved in getting this generous gift to me. Thanks again.” “Thank you so much for your generous donation.
How do you accept a humbly gift? ›- Oh, that's so kind/nice of you.
- Oh, you didn't have to do that.
- Wow! What a thoughtful present.
- That's so thoughtful of you. Thank you so much.
- It's lovely / wonderful / fantastic.
- It's something I have always wanted. Thank you!
Don't spend much too time trying to convince someone of the gift's usefulness or appeal. If they refuse the gift, simply say, “Okay,” and accept it back. Move on from the situation and try not to let it bug you.
Is it rude to not accept a gift? ›
Generally, yes, it's rude to refuse a gift. However, there are some circumstances where it's totally ok to refuse. People have mentioned suitors who will not take no for an answer, or if the gift has strings attached, both good points. A general rule of thumb is, does it make you feel icky inside to accept.
How do you accept gifts without it being awkward? ›Thank the gift-giver in a way that works for you, such as one-on-one or via text. Express gratitude for the gift you've been given in a way that will allow you to fully show that you're thankful. In true introvert form, you might not know what to say — on the spot — especially if you've been given a gift in public.
Is giving gifts manipulation? ›Giving can also be used as a form of manipulation. This is known as selfish giving. The receiver becomes beholden to the giver and will feel the need to reciprocate this gesture which could be inform of a favor. I'd say beware of free gift and try to give back as best as you can.
How narcissists use gifts to manipulate? ›Specifically, narcissists give gifts with an eye to maintaining a relationship with the giver and to maintaining control in that relationship. You don't get expensive gifts from a narcissist because they think you are awesome; you get valuable gifts because they want you to continue to think that they are awesome.
How narcissists use money to manipulate? ›Narcissists often use money as a tool for punishment. They may reward you financially when you do what they want, and then withhold money when they feel vindictive. This can feel unsafe, degrading and confusing.
Is it ungrateful to return a gift? ›A good rule of thumb is that if the gift giver includes a receipt in the wrappings, it's considered fine to return or exchange. Often, that means that someone is already anticipating that the gift might not be your taste.
Should you return a gift you don't like? ›“If you are not able to enjoy, use, or wear the gift you were given, I am sure someone else will,” Grumet says. “This is an ideal option, especially when someone gives a gift without a receipt. “ Still, for some sensitive senders, hearing that someone donated a present could sting just as much as a return.
Is it petty to give gifts back? ›As for gifts, Judge Judy always rules that gifts do not need to be returned and that stands here with one exception: family heirlooms that were given contingent on the relationship lasting (like your grandmother's wedding ring) should be given back. A lot of people like to force-return a gift to make a statement.
What is the negative effect of gift-giving? ›Gift giving can be used unintentionally to create pressure and competition between givers and receivers. Gift giving can cause disappointment and hurt feelings in either the giver or the receiver.
Why do gifts create conflicts of interest? ›Why do gifts create conflicts of interest? (or would it be a conflict of interest to accept this gift) Giving gifts create conflict(s) of interest because it, either explicitly or implicitly, encourages the recipient of the gift to 'return the favor.
How many people struggle with gift-giving? ›
Surveys show that nearly 7 people out of 10 are stressed by the feeling of having a “lack of time” and a “lack of money.” And over 50% of people are stressed about the “pressure to give or get gifts.”
How do you know if a gift is too much? ›There is no formula for figuring out how many is too many. A good way to judge this would be to note, compared to you, how often your partner buys gifts for you. If it's about the same and each of you initiate around the same amount of times, then it's all good.
What is a good present for someone with anxiety? ›Simple gifts like candles, bath salts, and cozy blankets are all about relaxing, which can help people calm down and relieve tension. No added stress. The best gifts come with no expectations, so avoid gifts that come with any responsibility or strings attached.
How do you be grateful for a gift you don't want? ›- Always say thank you.
- Think of the intention.
- Ask a question.
- Find something nice to say.
- You can always lie.
Not saying "thank you" when someone helps you out with a simple request doesn't necessarily mean you are rude, a study suggests.
What do you say when you get a gift you don't want? ›- “That's so thoughtful!”
- “I love the color.”
- “I'm overwhelmed!”
- “I really appreciate this.”
- “It's so unique!”
- “You're too kind.”
A good rule of thumb is that if the gift giver includes a receipt in the wrappings, it's considered fine to return or exchange. Often, that means that someone is already anticipating that the gift might not be your taste.
How do you hide disappointment at a gift? ›- Go for the giant hug.
- Offer a really hard pat on the back.
- Feign excitement by jumping up on your couch like the Tom Cruise of 2005.
- Hand off the gift to others as if to show it off.
- Interact with the gift.
Over-giving is often a sign of codependency.
When we are codependent we take our sense of self from pleasing others. So we give too much in order to receive praise and attention that then gives us a feeling of esteem.
This is probably the most common reason for people to reject a gift. If they feel like it's too costly for the type of relationship you have (eg an expensive gift from your boss). Or you feel like the giver stretched their budget to buy this gift. Or because you can't reciprocate such a pricy gift.
Is it petty to ask for gifts back? ›
As for gifts, Judge Judy always rules that gifts do not need to be returned and that stands here with one exception: family heirlooms that were given contingent on the relationship lasting (like your grandmother's wedding ring) should be given back. A lot of people like to force-return a gift to make a statement.
Why is returning gifts important? ›Gifts are an expression of gratitude and appreciation; agreed, but why bother with return gifts? Here's why. Giving return gifts to the guests who've attended your happy events is about showing your appreciation to those who took the time to celebrate your special moments with you.